By Every marriage begins with love and promise — but somewhere between routine, misunderstandings, and unspoken words, something changes. The biggest predictor of divorce isn’t distance or difference — it’s how we treat each other when conflict arises
Understanding the Problem
When couples argue, they often believe the issue is about money, chores, or parenting. But research shows that beneath every disagreement lies something far more powerful — contempt.
Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. It’s the quiet erosion of respect — the rolling eyes, sarcastic comments, dismissive tone, or subtle ridicule that tells your partner, “I’m better than you.”
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples, discovered that contempt destroys relationships faster than infidelity or incompatibility. It replaces empathy with superiority and love with resentment.
When contempt enters a relationship, conversations stop being about understanding — they become about winning.
Over time, contempt turns connection into competition. It breeds emotional distance, weakens intimacy, and makes partners feel unseen and unheard.
Even the strongest relationships can crumble under its weight if left unaddressed
How Contempt Creeps In
Contempt doesn’t appear overnight. It often starts small — through unresolved frustrations, repeated disappointments, and emotional disconnection.
Here are a few subtle ways it shows up:
- Sarcasm or mocking your partner’s words
- Eye-rolling or scoffing during arguments
- Using hurtful humour disguised as “just a joke”
- Comparing your partner unfavourably to others
- Dismissing their feelings as “too sensitive” or “dramatic”
These may seem minor in the moment, but repeated contempt signals that respect has been replaced with judgement. And once respect fades, love struggles to survive.
The Emotional Impact
When one partner feels belittled or unworthy, emotional safety disappears. Conversations become guarded; affection feels forced.
This emotional disconnect can lead to loneliness, anxiety, and even depression within a relationship.
The partner showing contempt may not realise the long-term damage — but the one receiving it begins to feel unloved and emotionally rejected.
As contempt builds, couples often stop trying to repair conflicts. Small arguments turn into cold silences, and the home that once felt comforting becomes tense and distant.
The Solution: Replacing Contempt with Connection
The good news? Contempt doesn’t have to end a relationship. With awareness and effort, couples can replace it with empathy, respect, and communication.
Let’s explore practical ways to do that.
1. Notice Your Tone and Body Language
Your words matter, but your tone and expressions matter more.
The next time you’re frustrated, pause before speaking. Are you trying to make your point or make your partner feel small?
Choosing kindness, even in conflict, changes the entire energy of communication.
2. Practise Gratitude Daily
For every criticism you feel tempted to voice, find something to appreciate instead.
Saying “thank you” for small things — a meal cooked, a chore done, or a simple act of care — rebuilds positive emotional balance.
3. Replace Criticism with Curiosity
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try asking, “Can we talk about how we can both feel heard?”
Curiosity invites dialogue. Criticism invites defence.
4. Rebuild Emotional Safety
Apologise when needed, validate your partner’s feelings, and express your own without blame.
Emotional safety allows couples to be honest without fear of judgement — the foundation of lasting connection.
5. Seek Professional Support
Sometimes, the wounds run deep. If contempt has been part of your relationship for a long time, counselling can offer a safe space to rebuild respect and rediscover empathy.
How My Counselling Services Can Help You
If you’re recognising these patterns in your relationship, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to navigate them without guidance.
As a qualified relationship counsellor, I specialise in helping couples understand emotional triggers, improve communication, and heal from long-standing conflicts.
Through confidential and compassionate sessions, we’ll explore what’s really behind the arguments and find ways to reconnect meaningfully.
Here’s how I can support you:
- Guided conversations that help you both feel heard and respected
- Conflict resolution techniques grounded in empathy and calm communication
- Tools to rebuild trust and affection, even after years of strain
- Personalised relationship plans for both new and long-term couples
- Flexible online and in-person sessions to suit your lifestyle
My goal is simple — to help you turn resentment into understanding, silence into connection, and conflict into emotional growth.
You don’t need to wait until things feel broken to seek help — therapy can also strengthen what already exists.
Final Words
The biggest predictor of divorce isn’t falling out of love — it’s forgetting how to show respect when love feels difficult.
When contempt replaces compassion, relationships suffer. But when couples choose to listen, appreciate, and repair, they rediscover the love that once brought them together.
Every relationship will face challenges, but healing begins when both partners commit to kindness, patience, and honesty.
You can’t change the past, but you can decide how your story continues.